


School For Sluts

by HannaM



Category: The Teahouse
Genre: 90's Music, Alternate Universe - Boarding School, And Now For Something Completely Different, Bad Ending, Deliberate Badfic, Games To Play With A Disembodied Head, Gen, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, Inconsistent Animal Traits, It's A School In The Way Ohtori Academy Is A School, Murder Mystery, Other, Parody, What Was I Thinking?, Yandere
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-28
Updated: 2015-03-28
Packaged: 2018-03-19 22:07:28
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 6,891
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3626034
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/HannaM/pseuds/HannaM
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>The Teahouse- the country's most expensive finishing school for sluts. Who will flunk out? Who will be top of the class? Who will write a tell all memoir about banging the principal? None of these questions will be answered, but not all sluts will leave the Teahouse alive! You might say some of them... lose their heads.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Bad Beginning

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Eye_Of_Argonia](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eye_Of_Argonia/gifts).

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The children are sent into the care of Count Olaf- wait, no. The new semester begins and Argent doesn't actually know what she's doing here.

"Welcome, class of 1999, to the Teahouse," Assistant Vice Principal Linneus said demurely. "First, a little history. Does anyone know why our school is called the Teahouse?"  
  
A green haired girl raised her hand. "Because everyone has to drink lots of caffeine to make their way through finals?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Because you have a lot of tea?"  
  
"No."  
  
"Because Hooker With A Heart of Gold was taken?"  
  
"Close, but no. Before sluttiness was legal, this institution was a speakeasy, except our founder didn't like alcohol, so we only served tea."  
  
"Oh, wow, I never could have guessed that!" someone yelled out sarcastically.  
  
Linneus ignored them. "As the most expensive finishing school for sluts, and the only school that offers a masters in Slutology, we have a long and storied tradition concerning the education of our first years. Each of you will be designated an uke or seme, and assigned to an upperclassman who you must obey in every particular. If you think you're straight, don't worry, you'll probably change your mind. If you are straight, we send you to the nunnery on the hill for re-education."  
  
"What if you're a woman?" someone hollered, and there were murmurs of assent.  
  
"Women dorm with the ukes. You will also be assigned a seme, though you may have to share with an uke as there are not enough semes to go around this semester. Lesbianism is allowed, but remember, if you're a lesbian you can't be a major character. Now, take off your headphones, shut off your walkmans, and proceed in an orderly fashion to the list of upperclassmen you've been assigned to."  
  
There was a small stampede in the rush to get to the list, leaving exactly four first years at the back of the group, walking normally.  
  
Argent glanced at the only other first years that seemed as apathetic as she felt. Two of them were obviously related, short and gangly with identical red hair and green eyes, walking slightly apart though they kept stealing glances at each other. The other was a cheery looking brunette in a frilly dress who grinned at Argent.  
  
"I already know who my seme's going to be," she confessed. "My daddy took care of it. How about you?"  
  
Argent shrugged. "Lesbian, minor character. Even if I get an assignment, everyone's going to forget I exist, so why bother?"  
  
One of the redheads glanced over. "Hey, are you guys minor characters?"  
  
"No, I'm Yvette!" the brunette said brightly. "My family bankrolls the whole school."  
  
"You're a woman," Argent said flatly. "Slutty women are either minor characters or villains."  
  
Yvette scowled. "Says who? Not if I have anything to say about it!"  
  
The other redhead laughed as Yvette stalked off. "Wow, is she in the wrong story."  
  
"I think I'm straight," the first redhead admitted. "Don't tell anybody, okay?"  
  
Argent blinked. She really hadn't been sure up until now that he was a boy. Man? Boy.  
  
"Who is she going to tell?" his sibling pointed out. "I'm Remy, by the way."  
  
So, twin boys?  
  
"I'm Rory. I was originally supposed to come on my own, but my sister really wants to be a villain."  
  
Apparently the Assistant Vice Principal had really thrown off Argent's gender perception.  
  
Remy crossed her arms. "Look, Rory, I've done the research. You look like jailbait. There is no way they're going to send you to What Did You Eat Yesterday, or even Antique Bakery. Even the best case scenarios here are terrible."  
  
"Does he crossdress? That might help," Argent offered.  
  
"No, I don't crossdress!" Rory fumed. "That would give me some personality!"  
  
Remy patted her brother on the arm. "Don't worry, honey, you've got personality. It's just buried really, really deep."  
  
They had finally reached the list. Stepping over the unconscious bodies of the unlucky first years who had been trampled in the frenzy, Argent squinted at the board.  
  
No assignment for her, big surprise. None for Remy either, it looked like. Rory had been assigned to…  
  
"Lord Alistair Grayson Dorian Reed," Rory read out. "The third?!"  
  
"String of names, sure, family tradition or whatever. But the same string of names three times starts to suggest a certain familial lack of creativity," Remy observed.  
  
"Well, he is a lord. Maybe I'll get some awesome swag, like a giant mansion! And made his honorary heir and inherit his title when he dies."  
  
"Yeah, if that title is the Spider, I've got news for you."  
  
Rory groaned. "Just let me have a little bit of hope, jeez!"  
  
Remy ruffled her brother's hair. "Hey, I've got your back, cutie. With me around, who's gonna mess with you?"  
  
Rory grinned, and kissed her cheek. "I'll ask about room assignments. Be right back!"  
  
"That's very thoughtful of you, coming all this way to look after your brother," Argent said to Remy.  
  
Remy shook her head, a dark look on her face. "You don't understand. There's old yandere blood in our family. The trauma of a cruel seme could trigger latent murderous impulses. I had no choice but to go with him."  
  
Argent frowned. "Yandere blood? I didn't realize yanderes actually managed to reproduce."  
  
"Oh, it happens. You don't really want to know the specifics."  
  
She was probably right, though now Argent was imagining all sorts of horrific scenarios.  
  
As it turned out, the three of them were all in the same dorm, along with Yvette and a long list that seemed almost entirely women.  
  
"How can there be this many women?" Rory marveled. "I thought the school only gave about two women's diplomas in Slutology a year!"  
  
"Maybe they meant to go to that other slut finishing school," Remy mused. "The one without a name. Byron's Something Or Other."  
  
"Rory, if you really are attracted to women…" Argent frowned. "I think you should be very careful. This seems like some kind of flushout scheme. Though honestly, it doesn't seem fair to the girls to not know you might be into them sexually."  
  
"Pot, meet kettle, because you also like women," Rory said flatly. "Are you going to go up to all of them and tell them to keep their clothes on around you because it might turn you on?"  
  
"No, but-"  
  
"Stop it, you two," Remy interrupted. "This is stupid. It's a school for sluts. What are the chances that anyone is going to be uncomfortable with someone wanting to fuck them?"  
  
As it happened, they were about to find out.  
  
"EQUAL RIGHTS FOR SLUTS! STOP THE SLUT DEFAMATION!"  
  
Marching up and down on campus was a huge tattooed guy covered in piercings hoisting a protest sign while Savage Garden blasted from his boombox. "Not all of us are sluts because of our tragic past! Some of us were just born slutty! Not all sluts are generous! Some of us are really fucking petty and obnoxious!"  
  
"Who the fuck is that." Argent didn't even need a question mark, she was so irritated.  
  
"That's Axis!" The green haired girl from early chirped, popping up behind them without warning. "He's an upperclassman. But he's gotten super bitter lately because he's been kicked out of the seme program and made an honorary uke."  
  
Even Remy looked puzzled. "How does that happen?"  
  
"EVEN SLUTS HAVE LIMITS!" Axis bellowed, hoisting another sign. "Sluts deserve the right to say no! No means no! Sluts are not objects! Consent is important! Sluts can still be raped!"  
  
All four of them burst into laughter at that.  
  
"What a character!"  
  
"Seriously. Sluts being raped? What's he going to say next, short men don't always want to bottom?"  
  
"Oh, that's a good one!"  
  
"But short men DON'T always want to bottom!" Axis yelled, throwing his sign at them. "Short men don't even have to top! Some short men are straight!"  
  
Green haired girl was the only one laughing then.  
  
"But really, who the fuck are you?" Remy said, poking green haired girl in the (considerable) cleavage. "Where did you come from? There's solid wall behind us."  
  
"Oh, I'm Claret. I'm an Exposition Fairy by trade," she said brightly. "I was hoping with a degree I could have something to do with my time in between waiting for people to ask questions."

Argent quickly powered her face so no one noticed her reddening cheeks. Brainy sluts were very much her type.

"So, how did Axis get kicked out of the seme program?" Rory persisted. "Does it ever work the other way around? I mean, is there any chance for someone to get made an honorary seme?"

"Nah!" Claret chirped. "I mean, it would be pretty cool in theory because we're running low on semes as it is, but once you go uke, you can't go back. Like how no woman who's ever had sex with a dude can be a lesbian again. Or how you can totally believe it's not butter if you've actually had butter. Or-"

At this point, Axis seemed to have realized that his choice of music was not making anyone take him seriously, and quickly fiddled with the knob until he found a station that was playing Nine Inch Nails. "UKES ARE NOT WOMEN! UKES SHOULD NOT BE TREATED LIKE WOMEN!"

This was a miscalculation. The primarily female crowd turned as one to give Axis a long, hard stare.

"Um... we have dicks?" Axis hazarded. Seeing Rory in the crowd, he gestured to him desperately. "Come on, dude, help me out! You don't want to wear frilly shit and pass out whenever someone taller than you comes by, right?"

"I dunno." Rory shrugged. "I own a lot of frills. I don't think women really want to do that either."

What Axis' response would have been, they never knew. Just then a blue haired man with a jewel encrusted eyepatch strode in, to the appreciative sighs (and a few hacking coughs) of many.

"リース先輩！" Claret exclaimed. "霜の王子! あたしの尻が読んでいる"

"Why are you speaking Japanese?" Rory wanted to know.

"And why is it so incoherent?" Remy shook her head. "Unless your ass really has learned how to read."

"Bow down before the one you serve," Rhys intoned. "You're going to get what you deserve."

The change was immediate. Axis flung himself on the ground, crystal tears streaming from his shiny eyes. "Oh, baby, I didn't mean it! I'm so so happy you noticed me! Oh please, don't throw me away!"

"That's right, bitch." Rhys grabbed Axis by the hair and dragged him out while the crowd went back to their usual activities.

"Ahem." Claret fixed her hair. "Sorry, that happens more often than you'd think. Rhys is my seme too, so... it's really better that my brain just goes. Otherwise I might start scratching Axis' eyes out or something."

Remy made a disgusted noise, which she managed to transform into an impromptu dog impersonation when Claret looked at her.

"Don't mind her," Rory said quickly. "She... really likes Irish setters."

Argent decided this conversation couldn't possibly go anywhere good. "Can you show us to our dorm? We're at the Dorian Gray."

Argent was put in a suite with Rory and Remy, next door to Claret and Yvette. Claret was very impressed by Yvette, who had apparently been assigned to Principal Atros. Remy was less impressed, muttering something in Rory's ear before booking it out of there.

"I didn't know Atros was taking any more underclassmen!" Claret exclaimed. "That's very exciting for you. I thought he had his hands full with Lilith and Linneus, but I guess that's what Viagra is for!"

Yvette, who had been drinking tea out of a champagne glass, crushed it with her bare hand. "Had... his hands full?"

"Yup!" Claret said brightly. "Linneus and Lilith. Everyone calls them Pinky and the Brain, not sure why."

Yvette smiled sweetly while Argent and Rory looked at her blood soaked hand with alarm. "Would you excuse me for a moment, please?"

The three of them sat around the table in polite silence as the door closed, and heard with crystal clarity Yvette screaming "HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO MEEEEEEEEEEEEE?!"

Rory coughed, and the door opened again.

"Sorry about that."

"Yeah, don't mention it."


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mercutio is bored.

Mercutio was having an unusually uneventful day.

Not that he actually got to practice his art most of the time. The principal couldn't seem to make up his mind whether Mercutio qualified as a seme, uke, or dreaded heterosexual leaning bisexual, so Mercutio had been unofficially categorized as 'Creepy Kinkster' leaving him to get his kicks wherever he could find them. Most of the time, where he could find them was watching the minor disasters that tended to erupt around the Teahouse and providing popcorn to any fellow onlookers.

But today was just meh all over. The most noteworthy event had been young slut-in-training Yvette attempting to seduce Linneus under the mistaken impression that he was Lilith. Upon discovery, Yvette had wailed "I hate that you have a cock!" to which Linneus had given the timeless riposte "Yes I have penis get over it." It felt like a fairly lifeless ripoff of something else.

The start of the semester usually yielded more exclamations of horror and outraged denials, but most of the new class seemed dully content with their lot. Yvette had some promise, admittedly, but women villains tended to take a while to get their sea legs, so Mercutio was going to give her the time to refine her act. He was very forgiving when it came to his own personal soap opera (because really, what other choice did he have?)

Happily, when Mercutio wandered back into the Camellia Lady dorm, he saw a tiny ball of fluff with sea foam hair sharpening some knives. The aggressiveness was all seme, but...

"Are you in the wrong dorm?"

The fluffball glared at Mercutio. "Nay! Satcha is in right door! Satcha has found BEST door! Satcha is incensed that big stupidhead put Satcha in door for girls. Satcha likes big dicks and he cannot lie!"

Mercutio had to ask. He just had to. "Who is Satcha?"

Sacha drew himself up, even though most of himself was taken up by his massive furry coat. "I! I Satcha am! You ask stupid question, creepman."

Well, it seemed Mercutio's reputation had spread to... wherever that accent was supposed to be from. "Fair enough. But you know, all ukes here like big dicks. That isn't a very good argument for why you should be in a different dorm."

Sacha scowled, and crossed his arms. "Satcha like to LOOK at big dicks, not have them up the keister. Satcha refuse to go with any man who want to hammer Satcha in the patoot. Principal say nothing he can do, I say knife Principal in <i>his</i> patoot."

Now this looked promising. "Want help? I have a lot of pointy objects stored away. And some ball gags. And diapers, but that's not necessarily related."

Satcha wrinkled his nose. "Ick! Creepman enjoy thing I do not enjoy! That is most repulsive experience of all! Satcha manage stabbing alone just fine."

"Suit yourself. But won't it feel weird not blowing your load on his face afterwards?"

Sacha considered that. "Might. Willing to take that chance. Already carrying pretty heavy load."

Mercutio blinked. "Do you mean your coat? Why are you wearing that, anyway? It's still early September."

"Satcha not wear coat."

There was a very long uncomfortable pause.

Then the giant coat began to wriggle across Sacha's tiny body, until a great grey rodent head reared up and bared its teeth at Mercutio.

"Mouse pregnant. Is resting."


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Yvette reconsiders her approach

Yvette was beginning to think this whole getting a degree in Slutology to gain the approval of her childhood best friend turned fiance who was also the Principal of said slut finishing school was really not such a great idea.

She never used to hang out with sluts. Her best friends back home were all immortal lolis, many of whom could turn into mythological creatures and give her piggyback rides. The lolis always made her laugh, but the sluts were actually giving her wrinkle lines. Wrinkle lines! She wasn't even twenty-seven!

Yvette was just about to sigh dramatically and concede defeat when she saw one of the red-headed sluts from the next room over dragging out a trebuchet with a deranged look on their face.

She watched this for a while, before curiousity got the better of her. "How does that even fit in your suite?"

"How does _anything_ fit in anything around here? Practice!" The slut returned. "Also, it's collapsible."

Yvette groaned. "Is that why you look so annoyingly happy?"

"Partly, but also I've started having anal sex."

Yvette was confused. "What... other kind of sex would a man have with another man?"

The slut scowled, and ripped open his blouse. Yvette was still confused, until she realized that men didn't usually have breasts like those. "Are you one of those secret female crossdressers? I thought they went to Ganymede. Or Nerima."

"I am a girl all the time, you rude twit!" The slut slapped the trebuchet. "Don't make me use this!"

Just then, another red-headed slut with shorter hair emerged, smoking a cigarette. "Remy, I know you want to be a villain but I'm pretty sure if you don't put those away you're going to get end up a hero in Kill la Kill instead."

Twins. Right. She'd known that. "So if a woman has anal sex that starts her on the path to villainy?" Yvette wasn't sure if she was comforted or confused. "But all the nice ukes around here are having anal sex. Are they going to become villains later?"

"It's a double standard, don't think about it too hard," Remy said breezily, buttoning her shirt and collapsing the trebuchet. "But hey, if you're not doing anything later, wanna help me fire bolts through windows while Lord Longname The Third nails my brother?"

Yvette shook her head glumly. "It sounds fun but... pass. My life is ruined."

Rory stubbed out his cigarette on a pocketwatch. "Ruined? What is it?"

"It's what happens when something is destroyed and you can't put it back together again, but that's not important right now." Yvette pulled out her wallet and showed them a picture of a beautiful maroon egg. "This is my egg. I laid it last week. Xanthe is the father, but he won't take any responsibility for the care of it, or even help me design a nursery for it. He's always busy with those stupid sluts! No offense."

"None taken," Rory burped. "Wait, who's Xanthe? Do you mean Atros?"

"Have you considered that he might not have fertilized your egg?" Remy proposed.

"That's not possible! It had to be him! There were no other males in the house!" Yvette hugged the picture to her smallish chest. (It was usually flat, but being around sluts seemed to have pushed her towards puberty)

"No, but hang on." Rory put his hand on Yvette's shoulder, and she tried not to look too disgusted by the cigarette smoke. "Just because you laid an egg doesn't mean it was fertilized. Happens to hens all the time. You might just be able to make a really big omelette with it, if it hasn't gone bad yet. I make food out of unfertilized ostrich eggs all the time."

"You really mean it?" Yvette sniffled. "All my loli friends said I was going to have to be a mother! And I don't want to be a mother! I don't even have a mother myself!"

Rory nodded kindly. "Why don't you send for the egg and we'll all have a nice dinner later on?"

"That sounds nice," Yvette admitted. "I guess you sluts aren't so bad. Even if it made me feel weird having a boy in a mostly girls dorm."

"Yeah, sorry about that." Rory said sheeply. "I get that it's awkward."

"Nah, I actually forgot you were a boy for a while."

And so they had a dinner party to eat Yvette's egg.


	4. And Now For Something Completely Different

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Genre shift!

Argent woke to the sound of dripping.

This in and of itself was not all that unusual. Dorian Gray was a terrible old dorm that just happened to look nice on the outside, and it often had leaks or cracks or heating problems. So when Argent got out of bed and fished around for a bucket, she was expecting to have to put it under the drip and change it every once and a while while it was raining.

She was not expecting to see a severed head hanging from the ceiling instead of a light bulb.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHH!"

"All right, all right, I'm getting up," Claret mumbled from the other side of the bed, reaching for the light switch.

"Don't hit that switch! Jesus Christ Claret, don't hit that switch! And don't look up!"

Claret looked up.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHH!"

"I fucking told you," Argent muttered, taking her hands off her ears. "So I'm guessing this isn't your idea of a joke."

"No way!" Claret shuddered. "Whose head is it? And how did it get in here?"

"No idea. I'm still wondering how it got here, of all places."

"How? What about _why?!"_ Claret was teary eyed. "Whoever it was had so much to live for! They had so much to give! And take! How could anyone in the Teahouse have been so cruel? And what did we do to get stuck with the blood cleanup, anyway?"

Argent had a small flashback.

_A dark look came over Remy, momentarily blotting out the clouds. "By the pricking of my thumbs, something wicket this way comes. Beware! In the old family of Dubois, there is much witchcraft, and ancient yandere blood flows through the veins of mine other half. Once awoken, the beast cannot be put back to sleep without the heads of cruel semes to keep him warm at night..."_

"Wicket?" Argent murmured to herself. "Must have meant wicked. Unless there's more murder in cricket than I've been led to believe..."

"Stop going back to Vietnam!" Claret shouted, throwing a pillow at Argent. (It went past the head and got a little bloodstained) "We have to solve this mystery!"

"Can't we just get back in the Mystery Machine and drive out of here?"

"No!"

Claret dragged Argent out of their room. "You go over to the nearest seme dorm and get somebody who can identify the head! I'll round up the rest of our dorm and start interrogations."

Argent went gladly. She had her suspicions about who was responsible, but depending on who's head it was, she was open for other possibilities. Eager for them, even. Maybe it was all a really badly planned early April Fool's Day prank.

She'd never been in the seme dorms before, for obvious reasons, but the moment she did Argent nearly recoiled at the smell of dirty socks. Their dorm might be structurally shabby, but at least it was clean.

In the lounge, Axis was crawling around on all fours, rubbing his head against the leg of anyone who happened to pass, including Argent, much to her alarm.

A tiny figure in a large white coat munching on popcorn laughed at the expression Argent must have had on her face. "Is pathetic, no? Satcha never let himself be injected with kitty juice!"

"Kitty- no, you know what, I really don't want to know."

"I respect a woman that knows when to safeword." It was Mercutio, resident Creepy Kinkster. Argent recognized him from the warning posters. "What brings you here?"

"Well, what appears to be... someone's head is hanging from my... ceiling dripping all over the carpet, and my roommate thinks that someone is... a seme, so I was hoping someone here could identify... him." Argent finally finished her sentence. It was hard not to get distracted by Axis, who was now eating some pirate seme's knitting and getting whapped with a newspaper for it, and whatever was going on with that Satcha guy. Mercutio was starting to look like the most normal person in the dorm.

Mercutio caught her eye and made a face that suggested he was thinking the same thing. "Gladly. Sacha, do you want to come too?"

Sacha slapped his coat. "Mouse, no more the popcorn! Bad for Mouse's teeth! Yes, Sacha will join. Is better than listening to Blue Man Group burping alphabet in rec room all day."

Argent blinked. "Blue Man Group?"

"He means Rhys. Let's get going."

They had almost reached the door when the air around them literally darkened with foreboding.

"Can we still... open the door like this?"

**"Who dares penetrate the inner sanctum of seme without my express permission!"**

"Principal Atros!" Mercutio chirped. "Nice to see you getting out and about. How's life?"

**"Silence, creeper! Neither of you have answered my question! This is a dorm for powerful masculine semes that take what they want by the horns! There is no place here for a lesbian minor character or an uke!"**

Argent turned to Sacha, who bristled. "You're an uke?"

"Sacha is not uke! Sacha defies your conformist labels! There is nothing non-masculine in Sacha anyway, what gives?"

Atros' eyes glowed. **"Feminine name! Easily flustered! Height rule!"**

"Bull!" Sacha roared back, apparently completely unintimidated. (Argent was, but she'd learned if she stayed silent long enough she literally turned invisible) "Satcha is manly name, much manlier than XANTHE, and Satcha does not know the fluster! You just shove Satcha in convenient box because Satcha not six foot five!"

 **"Detention! None may question the validity of the height rule! It is against the laws of nature for a true man to be shorter than five foot seven, and considering the recent evidence-"** Atros jabbed a finger in Axis' direction, who meowed in response, **"five ten begins to seem a more accurate low end of the scale!"**

"Great, thanks, Principal Atros," Mercutio said hastily. "He'll be there, bending over at the time and place of your choice."

"Satcha will NO-"

"Anyway, Principal, new business! Murder is still off the approvals list, right?"

Atros' furry eyebrows drew together. **"For the last time, yes!"**

"Then somebody's cruising for expulsion, because Argent here says there's been a decapitation over at the uke dorms."

Oddly enough that brought the air back to normal.

The four (five? Argent wasn't sure if the coat counted) of them returned to Dorian Gray, where there was a small group of feminine looking persons sitting cross-legged in the lounge, most of them staring out into space as Claret tried to calm down a hysterical Yvette.

"I saw everything!" Yvette wailed, thrashing about. "Everything! Unclean! Unclean! I'll never be clean agaaaaaain!"

"We found her like this in the showers," a blonde uke piped up. "She says she saw everything but she won't say what she saw."

Atros scowled. **"You are Rhys' first uke, are you not? Did you recognize the body?"**

"I'm Zephyr," the uke said, in a tone of mild annoyance. "And no, I didn't recognize the head."

"Frankly," said Assistant Vice Principal Linneus, walking in with a cup of hot booze, "it's hard for any of us to firmly identify a blood soaked head without the context of a body."

There was a vague murmur of assent.

"It wasn't Rhys though."

"Yeah, it wasn't Rhys," Claret added. "I mean technically it could have been a woman for all we know, what with the long hair, but no woman's been reported missing. It's probably a seme."

Argent scanned the crowd to verify Claret's words. As the resident lesbian, she had a tendency to remember more of the women, and she did indeed see Claret, Yvette, Gloria, Evelyn, Lilith (looking very much the worse for wear, probably having been attacked by Yvette earlier)... Remy? Wait, where was Remy?

"Remy's missing," Argent whispered.

 **"Speak up, will you? I swear, lesbians are like cats- they talk at a pitch incomprehensible to man,"** Atros grumbled.

"SHE SAY REMY MISSING!" Sacha bellowed. "Big man deaf? Who Remy, anyway?"

 **"A villainous woman,"** Atros said contemptuously. **"Why should we care if she lives or dies?"**

Assistant Vice Principal Linneus fluttered his eyelashes. "Because, Atros dearest, if Remy's head is the one hanging from our ceiling, the question remains... where is her body?"

"Also it seems hard to believe someone would randomly decapitate a woman in this dorm, leave a trophy lying around and then decide they'd had about enough of killing," Mercutio pointed out.

Argent strongly suspected that she would have recognized Remy's head, but if this was the only way to get anyone else to retain the information that Remy wasn't among them, she'd let the charade gone on. The important thing was, with Remy gone, what was going to happen to Rory? What had _already_ happened to Rory?

Atros was leaning over Yvette now, prodding her awkwardly with a finger. **"Yvette? Yvette, what is 'everything'? If you tell us now that you killed that evil slut, you'll only get a spanking."**

Strangely enough, that seemed to calm down Yvette. "Killed? Who's killed? Someone died?"

Mercutio let a pin drop, and they all heard it.

"So," Claret said, her Exposition Fairy side taking over, "you saw everything, but everything didn't include the murder?"

Yvette stared at them. "There was a _murder?_ Was it Lilith?"

Argent glanced at Lilith, who was chugging a bottle of whiskey. "Not as far as we know, no."

Mercutio cleared his throat. "Sluts and manwhores, I believe among us all I am universally agreed to be the weirdest, yes?"

General approving murmur.

"Then it seems to me I am the most qualified to act as quirky detective in this case. Once it's over you can all go back to using me as a punchline, sound fair?"

 **"Motion granted,"** Atros said. **"Should I send the lesbian over to fetch and clean off the head for identification, or do you wish to interrogate my fiancee first?"**

Argent made a small noise at being automatically appointed coroner, but Mercutio shook his head. "Let's leave the head alone for now and focus on Yvette. Yvette, what is your greatest fear?"

Yvette blinked. "Growing up?"

"I see!" Mercutio whipped a dildo out of nowhere and hit it against the wall, causing a chalkboard to slide down. He snatched a piece of chalk from Assistant Vice Principal Linneus, and wrote SEX on the board, which he then hit again with the dildo as though it were a pointer. "So what you're saying is, you alone in the School For Sluts fear sexual activity!"

"I'm not that big on it myself," one of the ukes in the back said, but was ignored.

"Well, that and taxes," Yvette admitted.

Mercutio cackled, and a curtain fell over the chalkboard. "So when you said you saw "everything," what you truly meant to say was that you saw someone having sex!"

Yvette covered her face. "Don't remind me!"

 **"Is this relevant?"** Atros wanted to know.

"Of course it's relevant! It's key!" Mercutio insisted. "Someone with a strong stomach, get me the head!"

To Argent's relief it was Evelyn who stood up and went back to her room.

"The night of the murder, Yvette saw someone having sex, presumably with at least one other person! She then blacked out and killed one of them in a blind rage! When she recognizes the head, she will flip to her other personality and tell us everything!"

Evelyn reappeared.

"Perfect! Rhys' sister, bring us the head!"

"The head is gone."

 _"The head is-_ wait, what?"

Argent facepalmed. Everyone started talking at once, even though Atros was trying to make himself heard.

"OY OF THE VEY, SHUT UP!" Sacha's earsplitting shriek managed to shock most of the room back into silence. "If head is missing, some body took head who is in building! Is mathematical! No one entered building, Sacha know. Person must be in vicinity. Who was in room before but now is gone? That is most important question!"

"Evelyn, obviously," Argent said, ignoring Evelyn's look of hurt. "But we can rule out Yvette, Mercutio, Atros, you and I."

"I'm still here!" Claret exclaimed. "And so is Lilith, and Zephyr, and that guy back there that always wears horse shirts. Wait, where's the Assistant Vice Principal?"

 **"Of course!"** Atros snarled. **"That slut would be the type to steal a severed head! Just the way he cheated on me by sleeping with other people after I got engaged to Yvette!"**

"Oh, Xanthe, darling, does that mean you'll never cheat on me again?" Yvette exclaimed.

"Why wasn't _I_ the one who got beheaded?" Lilith grumbled, knocking back more whiskey. "Anything to get out of this funny farm."

"I think we might be jumping to conclusions," Argent said, as loudly as she could manage. "Is anyone else missing? Anyone that might actually have access to my room?"

"Your room!" Claret screeched, and everyone covered their ears.

"Yes, Sacha hear first time," Sacha growled. "Albino room. We get."

"No, it just occurred to me!" Claret said impatiently. "We _were_ in your room, Argent! As in, not mine and Yvette's. So it wouldn't make any sense for Yvette to have put the head in there. Or Linneus, though I guess he still could have stolen the head for some reason."

"Sacha say assassin only person with motive to steal head. Unless someone have weird head cradling fetish."

"Don't look at me." Mercutio held his hands up. "Severed anything is a hard limit."

"My room is part of a suite," Argent said. She'd suspected it all along, but had hoped desperately it wasn't true. "Rory and Remy share it with me. They have the other keys."

"Wait a minute." Claret's eyes widened. "I haven't seen Rory since you guys came in. He was right here!"

Someone screamed, and everyone jumped. A few impressionable types started screaming as well.

"FUCK THE SHUT UP!" Sacha hollered. "Noise came from hallway! Follow Sacha! Except yellow haired drunk woman, you stand guard at entrance."

It was Assistant Vice Principal Linneus, pressed against one wall, pointing at the broom closet. "Body! Body! Body in there! Headless hot body!"

"So, not Remy," Claret summarized.

When the door was opened, it couldn't have been less Remy. Even without a head, the body was staggeringly tall and well muscled.

"I know that body!" Zephyr gasped.

Atros frowned. **"You recognized the body, but not the head?"**

"It's what we usually see," Assistant Vice Principal Linneus confessed.

"Ducklips recognize victim?" Sacha asked. "Ducklips not bone last night in front of screaming woman, no?"

"Oh, I wish," Zephyr said demurely. "No, that's Lord Reed. He only takes first-year virgin sluts."

Argent groaned and covered her face. Goddamned twins.

"Albino have words?"

"Lord Reed," Argent muttered. "He was Rory's seme."

 **"Actually, that rings a bell,"** Atros said. **"He put in a re-education request recently for one of the Dubois twins."**

There was dead silence. Re-education was worse than expulsion. Re-education meant... it was too horrifying to contemplate.

"Was it granted?" Mercutio wanted to know.

**"Immediately."**

"Which one?" Argent hissed. "WHICH TWIN DID YOU SEND TO THE NUNNERY?!"

To her surprise, Atros actually heard her. **"The girl, of course. There were no problems with the boy."**

"So basically, Rory is the only remaining suspect?" Claret sounded unusually unsure. "He's so tiny, though. How could such a total uke manage such a clean beheading?"

"The way most yanderes manage it." Everyone turned around. "With a really good weapon, and lots of enthusiasm."

It was Remy, white dress and arms covered in dirt.

"AAAAAAIIIIEEEE!" Yvette shrieked. "It's her! I saw! I saw! I saw!"

As various ukes attempted to restrain Yvette (Assistant Vice Principal Linneus demurely bore the brunt of the attack) Sacha crossed his arms as best as he could over his massive snoring coat. "Sacha confused. Yvette did not know killing happen. But Yvette see girltwin. Girltwin supposed to be at nunnery. What gives it?"

"Her and her brother!" Yvette moaned. "Don't you believe me? Don't any of you believe me? They were _together!_ They were _naked!_ They were _...fucking!"_

Everyone expect Remy to viciously deny it, but instead she shrugged. "Well, yeah. Keeps him off the streets. Boys'll be boys, you know."

 **"Ewwww,"** Atros said solemnly.

"Sacha second. Go back to nunnery, girltwin! Vagina make boytwin evil!"

"No wait, hold on," Argent said, shoving past the crowd to get to Remy. "Yes, we can all agree that incest is wrong."

"I don't agree," Remy said, but everyone ignored her.

"But that's not the point. There have been other villains at this school! Did a single one of them flip out and start killing semes after sticking it in a woman?"

There was a long pause.

 **"Not provably,"** Atros admitted. **"Women are the ones that usually snap and kill people. Men, even ukes, suffer in silence."**

"And then confess their tragic past to their one true seme," Assistant Vice Principal Linneus added, somewhat nasally, since he'd had to stuff tissues up his nose to stop the bleeding from Yvette. "We've never had an uke who actually killed his own seme. You can't wring a happy ending out of that!"

"I dunno, I'm pretty happy that he's dead," Remy said. "Even if I did have to walk through the secret passageway barefoot and get all soil-y to see it."

"Symbolism to make Faulkner proud," Mercutio observed.

"All right, so we can all agree that the problem here is Rory being insane in the membrane, not having fucked R- wait, you saw it?" Argent gaped.

Remy nodded and grinned. "It was great. I had to wash the blood off afterwards, but so worth it."

"I thought you said Rory was the one with latent yandere tendencies!" Argent threw up her hands. "You were the yandere all along?"

"Hey, you just assumed," Remy said brightly. "Besides, he _was_ the one with latent yandere tendencies. Mine have been active for ages. I'm just a largely apathetic yandere without any real direction in life. Which makes me less a pure yandere and more a-"

"Sacha get idea!" Sacha said impatiently. "Not point! Point be that Headless Homan send brotherfucker girltwin away, sisterfucker boytwin go cuckoo for cocoa puffs without brotherfucker, boom boom boom they slice off offending noggin and bathe in blood, and Sacha get screaming mimis."

"So... where is Rory?" Argent ventured.

They found him in the pool on the roof, swimming in blood tinged waters around Reed's bobbing head, singing _You Are My Sunshine_. Rory, that is. Reed's head wasn't singing. Though Rory was picking up the head now and opening and closing the jaw as if it were talking and giggling to himself, so maybe Rory actually thought Reed's head was singing.

Remy clasped her hands together and sighed. Argent could have sworn she saw an actual heart bobbing in the air next to her. "ローリーちゃんが可愛いですよ〜”

"Oh goddammit I just realized his name sounds like loli." Claret buried her face in her hands. "That's just not right."

Argent stared at the pool where a shirtless Rory (she did _not_ want to think about what might be below the bloody water out of sight) was now lifting Reed's head up into the air and declaring "TO BE _HEAD_ OR NOT TO BE _HEAD_ , THAT IS THE QUESTION"

"Seriously, Claret, out of everything we've learned this morning, _that_ is where you draw the line?"

Remy had waded into the pool now and was nodding along as Rory held out Reed's head to her and cried out, "Alas, poor rapist, I knew him, darling Remy! A fellow of infinite chest, of most excellent fancy. I have borne him on my back a thousand times and now how abhorred in my imagination it is!"

"Okay," Argent said, quickly turning away. "Forget everything I said. She probably does have an evil vagina. Let's just go."

Behind them, Rory and Remy were now playing volleyball with Reed's head, jumping up and down in the red water on opposite sides of the pool and giggling hysterically.

Mercutio sidled up to Claret. "So, I hear somebody around here lays eggs. I could be into that..."

"Satcha not know much about yandere," Sacha admitted. "It not contagious, yes?"

"I don't think so," Argent frowned. "What do you think PrincipAAAAARGGGHHHH!"

Atros had his hands around Assistant Vice Principal Linneus' throat, apparently attempting to choke him with the tissues still stuffed up his nose. It was unclear whether the Assistant Vice Principal was struggling to fight back or creating his own new dance moves.

 **"Stealing heads right under my nose? You've cheated on me for the last time, Linneus!"** Atros boomed.

"It was Rory!" Mercutio yelled, trying to pry Atros off Assistant Vice Principal Linneus. "I thought we already established that! Didn't you listen to the denoument where we explained how the crime happened and why?"

**"I always fast forward through that part."**

"That's the entire point!" Argent threw up her hands. "Are you really going to kill your lover because you're too impatient to hear the whole story?"

 **"Mow-chee-ron!"** Atros loosened his grip for a moment and frowned. **"Why can't I speak Japanese like the others?"**

"Is very simple." Sacha grinned while Linneus gasped for air. "Principal accent-- FULL OF PAIN!"

"And so the prophecy is fulfilled," Mercutio said solemnly, as Sacha stabbed Atros repeatedly.

"He died as he lived," Claret observed.

"Embarrassingly?" Argent offered.

"Without any sense of self-awareness?" Linneus rasped.

"Mounted by a shorter man?" Mercutio proposed.

"As a huge asshole!"


End file.
